spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
get you a girl who
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.