99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!