[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
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I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color