Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
But I really needed water water water
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Oh hi lol
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
White parent Vs Arab parents
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”