Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
this is me
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I really had high hopes for this year though
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.