My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
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Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.