I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
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Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
you have three unread messages
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM