Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
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*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.