Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
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What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Bike for sale
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything