When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*