The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no