[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.