A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
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you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Kidney stones? Hard pass
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
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Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.