Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
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I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Cheer up.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
ouch
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves