Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
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Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
My typo game is string.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges