I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.