“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
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If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!