Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
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“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
🤣😂🤣
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”