Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
✌🏽
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife