Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
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Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
i now pronounce you bounced.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys