Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
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Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*