Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
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19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.