[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.