I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
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inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)