Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
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A double negative is a big no-no.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
my dog when i have a friend over
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️