[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
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Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
See..?
.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
My life coach traded me.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!