[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
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Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Hello Twits.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”