once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
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My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
girls literally only want one thing..
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
congratulations to them
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo