John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.