I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.