Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
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My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.