Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
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“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.