*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
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“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead