“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
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‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
me logging onto twitter
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.