Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.