[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
You Might Also Like
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”