I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
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My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.