Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
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“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.