Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
You Might Also Like
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Breaking news:
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.