Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
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When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
How is it still this week?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Coffee for people with no kids
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.