Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
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REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I think they could have phrased this better
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Dead sexy!!
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine