them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
You Might Also Like
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop