Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*