Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
True freaking story!
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.