I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
You Might Also Like
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.