I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
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Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.