Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
When a shoelace touches your ankle
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.