ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
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Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Guy who likes music
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.