Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
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Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
True statement👍😏😁
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.