[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Legend 🤣🤣
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.